Discourse

I struggle, on occasion, with stress and with my thoughts. Here's a bit of insight to my mind.

I'm sick of waiting for things to get better. I know they say the grass is always greener on the other side, but it seems as though my whole life I haven't even seen the other grass. I want to know what it looks like, how it feels.

I find myself constantly telling me that X will be better after Y. This can be very simple and short-term, or complex and long-term. For example, sometimes I say to myself, "Well, my life will be easier after this week."

"It'll be better if I can get a job other than Applebee's."

"It'll be better once I get into college."

"It'll be better once I get out of 100-level courses."

"It'll be better if I get a different roommate."
"It'll be better if I could save more money, got another car, got a better job."

I'm scared of what my next "It'll be better once..." will be. What's even scarier, however, is how it will fall like all the others.

Based on how things have gone, I don't think things will be better if I had a different roommate or higher-level, major-specific classes.

Now, there are two ways to interpret my intentions at this point. The first way (my parents' way, I'm sure) is that I'm just saying to myself, "It'll be better if I go to MU."

In that interpretation, what am I doing other than exacerbating the same system and influencing the same vicious circle?

That's rhetorical by the way. Pause. 11:11. Wish. Play.

However, I see the situation as this:

• I am not happy here at Park; I'm displeased with the classes, campus, and professors.
• I am happy with Delia. This is apparently not a valid reason for anything to anyone but me and Delia.
• I've not taken classes or spoken extensively with professors at MU, but I have visited campus. Furthermore, I have evidence (hearsay) from multiple individuals as to the quality of the classes and professors at MU.

Am I crazy in thinking that this is a logical progression?

However, I draw ever-nearer to my next point.

Money.

Not enough of it.

FAFSA can suck it. EFC's are total nonsense. Estimated Family Contribution description (from fafsa.ed.gov) in a nutshell:

EFC isn't the amount of money your family must contribute or is expected to contribute. It's an index colleges use to calculate the amount of financial aid you're eligible for.

However, how do higher learning institutions calculate financial aid with the EFC?

Total cost of tuition, room & board, fees - EFC = Financial need

That's right. They fucking subtract the EFC from the total cost of schooling. So yes, in every sense of the phrase, your EFC is the amount you are expected to pay per year.

Does FAFSA take into consideration parents who very openly and adamantly do not contribute to their children's college expenses? NO. And truly, why the hell should they?

Private loans are always available, but are more difficult to obtain without a cosigner. A cosigner doesn't need to be a parent, just someone with credit. But what about someone without a willing cosigner (that's right, not even a parent) like me? It becomes even more complicated whereas I'm not classified as an independent student, because my parents still claim me as a dependent on tax forms. I'm a dependent but they don't contribute money other than the house that I choose to stay at maybe once or twice a week. I don't need to stay there, but I can and do.

Well, private loans for students are still available, even without cosigners. The only catch is that they have near-unholy interest rates. Some are double the Stafford loan interest rates, which is downright scary.

It's very difficult for me to think about all of these things for the following reasons:

• I don't know what my income will be like out of college. I can look at average starting salaries and be hopeful, but I honestly have no idea. It could be on any end of the spectrum.
• I don't know what other people's student loan repayments are like.

I believe I can make anything work. I certainly try to live pretty minimally now, and with my increased income and increased bills per month (student loan debt) upon graduating, I think I could maintain it. I've gone to a number of student loan debt repayment calculators, and it seems doable. The only hindrance is still the uncertainty of my income upon graduating.

It's all scary. I'm sick of not getting what I want. I'm sick of not being able to do the things I want to. I'm sick of not having the opportunity.

I can make it work. I can make it work. Patience and calmness will all pay off in the end.

My mantra.

Goodnight.