Discourse

I struggle, on occasion, with stress and with my thoughts. Here's a bit of insight to my mind.

I'm sick of waiting for things to get better. I know they say the grass is always greener on the other side, but it seems as though my whole life I haven't even seen the other grass. I want to know what it looks like, how it feels.

I find myself constantly telling me that X will be better after Y. This can be very simple and short-term, or complex and long-term. For example, sometimes I say to myself, "Well, my life will be easier after this week."

"It'll be better if I can get a job other than Applebee's."

"It'll be better once I get into college."

"It'll be better once I get out of 100-level courses."

"It'll be better if I get a different roommate."
"It'll be better if I could save more money, got another car, got a better job."

I'm scared of what my next "It'll be better once..." will be. What's even scarier, however, is how it will fall like all the others.

Based on how things have gone, I don't think things will be better if I had a different roommate or higher-level, major-specific classes.

Now, there are two ways to interpret my intentions at this point. The first way (my parents' way, I'm sure) is that I'm just saying to myself, "It'll be better if I go to MU."

In that interpretation, what am I doing other than exacerbating the same system and influencing the same vicious circle?

That's rhetorical by the way. Pause. 11:11. Wish. Play.

However, I see the situation as this:

• I am not happy here at Park; I'm displeased with the classes, campus, and professors.
• I am happy with Delia. This is apparently not a valid reason for anything to anyone but me and Delia.
• I've not taken classes or spoken extensively with professors at MU, but I have visited campus. Furthermore, I have evidence (hearsay) from multiple individuals as to the quality of the classes and professors at MU.

Am I crazy in thinking that this is a logical progression?

However, I draw ever-nearer to my next point.

Money.

Not enough of it.

FAFSA can suck it. EFC's are total nonsense. Estimated Family Contribution description (from fafsa.ed.gov) in a nutshell:

EFC isn't the amount of money your family must contribute or is expected to contribute. It's an index colleges use to calculate the amount of financial aid you're eligible for.

However, how do higher learning institutions calculate financial aid with the EFC?

Total cost of tuition, room & board, fees - EFC = Financial need

That's right. They fucking subtract the EFC from the total cost of schooling. So yes, in every sense of the phrase, your EFC is the amount you are expected to pay per year.

Does FAFSA take into consideration parents who very openly and adamantly do not contribute to their children's college expenses? NO. And truly, why the hell should they?

Private loans are always available, but are more difficult to obtain without a cosigner. A cosigner doesn't need to be a parent, just someone with credit. But what about someone without a willing cosigner (that's right, not even a parent) like me? It becomes even more complicated whereas I'm not classified as an independent student, because my parents still claim me as a dependent on tax forms. I'm a dependent but they don't contribute money other than the house that I choose to stay at maybe once or twice a week. I don't need to stay there, but I can and do.

Well, private loans for students are still available, even without cosigners. The only catch is that they have near-unholy interest rates. Some are double the Stafford loan interest rates, which is downright scary.

It's very difficult for me to think about all of these things for the following reasons:

• I don't know what my income will be like out of college. I can look at average starting salaries and be hopeful, but I honestly have no idea. It could be on any end of the spectrum.
• I don't know what other people's student loan repayments are like.

I believe I can make anything work. I certainly try to live pretty minimally now, and with my increased income and increased bills per month (student loan debt) upon graduating, I think I could maintain it. I've gone to a number of student loan debt repayment calculators, and it seems doable. The only hindrance is still the uncertainty of my income upon graduating.

It's all scary. I'm sick of not getting what I want. I'm sick of not being able to do the things I want to. I'm sick of not having the opportunity.

I can make it work. I can make it work. Patience and calmness will all pay off in the end.

My mantra.

Goodnight.

Thursday.

So, whenever I meet new people at work, or get to chatting with customers, the same conversation inevitably takes place.

"Oh, you're in college? That's great!" Three questions, without fail:

1. Where do you go?

• Very simple. Park University, I'm a freshman.

2. What's your major?

• Once again, simple. Right now my major is Marketing, with a minor in Public Relations, but I'm considering studying Finance instead of PR.

3. Oh, that's cool. Have you decided what you want to do yet?

• Not as easy. What does this question even mean? I want to work in the field to which my major applies. That's why I'm studying it. Let's be honest, I wouldn't be upset if I grew up to be Alton Brown. It's kind of my dream. I'm studying Marketing and want to study Finance. I'm going to go work in the business world. Why would you ask this? I don't have a particular job lined up yet, so no, I guess I haven't decided "what I want to do" yet.

I think I went off a bit more on that last one than I had originally intended.

In other news, this week has been somewhat hellish.

State of the Union... and that's all I'll say.

There's a girl in my English class who is SO ridiculously liberal, I can't stand to listen to her, much less rebut anything she says. Somehow, she always finds a segue to the topic of reforming public education. I can't remember any of her ridiculous bleeding heart leftist views, because I can't listen for very long before I want to pull my hair out.

So anyway. Tomorrow = day from hell. Wake up at 7, get dressed, stumble to breakfast to down a couple cups of coffee, class from 8-12, go to lunch, work from 1-9, get laundry from dorm, go home and do laundry.

15 straight hours of non stop brain/body activity. Sigh. I'll be exhausted.

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut....

Saturday is my transition from hell to heaven. Wake up early (sigh), go fix my rear wheel bearings (and maybe brakes, we'll see), finish homework, go to Columbia to see my love!

I'm excited.

Those are all of the things on my mind. Now they're on the internet.

So yeah.

Goodnight.

Truly,

David

School, Work, Schoolwork, Work, School

I'm falling into the routine. And by falling, I mean hard. There are very few things that are predictably and constantly on my mind, not many of which pertain to my course load this semester.

I reiterate that I'm ready to move out of gen.-ed. and 100-level classes. I know I have a while until I actually achieve that goal, but that's basically my only recurring thought which is actually relevant to school.

Once again my thoughts almost always point to the future. To things I want today but cannot ascertain; to actions I want to commit but for which the rest of the world is not ready. I guess I shouldn't say world. Just some extended persons. Some people in my world.

This blog made a quick turn from a fun, sarcastic outpour of humor to a sophomoric outpour of my inhibitions, which is exactly what I didn't want. However, seeing as how I don't feel that I can change that now, I guess I'm stuck with it.

I take a small bit of comfort in knowing that as much as I do release my emotions, worries, doubts, and fears, I use enough ambiguity so that I can read over my posts and recall, but others may not be able to.

On a more direct note,

I worked 14 out of the 24 hours from 4 pm Monday - 4 pm today.Tomorrow will be the third day in a row this week that I'll have woken up at 7. I know you high schoolers will be like "oh, but David I have to get up at six [or earlier] every day!" Oh well. Some day you won't have class til 10, like most college kids, and when you have to wake up at 7 you'll hate it too.

Seriously, who doesn't hate waking up at 7 in the morning?

Well, my dad.

Anyway.

Tomorrow I have four straight hours of sitting in an uncomfortable chair listening to words that have no practical application in my life. I'm pretty excited.

I hope at least one of you has a spectacularly awesome day tomorrow. Something out of the ordinary needs to happen, and soon. I'm in need of good news.

Truly,

David

Ambiguity

I like to think that some day I'll get what I want. Maybe I need to focus on smaller hurdles. You know, maybe lowering standards can bring the same joy upon achievement.

I can't stop looking to the future, but I can't stand the days in between.

Some day I'll do something useful to other people. Something interesting. Something people want in on. Something people want to know about, or read about.

I'm not sure how directly these feelings correlate with how often I take things for granted. One moment, I feel that's the entire problem, and the next moment I feel it isn't a factor.

The things that I have never work the way I want them to. Physically and literally, as well as mentally and figuratively.

I suppose the only constant in my life is my love. Platonic and otherwise, I have great relationships. I can say without doubt that at times I take this for granted. These relationships, this love, these intangible yet invaluable things. They do make me happy. They make me grateful. They make me secure.

I don't know what it says about my personality that my selfish desires always fail. The things I want for myself never work properly, although it seems like the things that I want for those around me always function wonderfully, irrespective of whether or not I've acted in a manner to promote those things.

That was a run-on. I've gotten in the habit of not using the backspace bar except for typos, so as to more accurately pour out my thoughts. Allow me to rephrase.

When I have a goal in my mind, regardless of whether or not the end is a tangible object or an abstract achievement, the means always seem to go awry.

When my friends and loved ones have goals in mind, regardless of whether or not the end is a tangible object or an abstract achievement, the means seem to work in a way that is at least reparable. If (mind you, if) things go wrong on the path to achieving their goals, they seem to work out. Otherwise, the goals are within reach.

Sometimes I help to reach the goal, sometimes I help to repair the patchy spots along the way.

Once again, I don't know if my goals are flawed, or if I unknowingly lack the adequate means to achieve my goals.

Either way, I'm sick of not getting what I want, and I'm sick of not knowing why.

Truly,

David

P.S. This is not meant to be envious. I am the subject of this post.

Suuuunday, SUNday, Sunday.

Yeah, it's technically Sunday. 2 hours into it. Today, I not only took but introduced 4 friends to a wonderful personality test, found at http://www.personaldna.com

It's a lengthy exam, but the results are wonderfully explicit of one's true nature. For example, here are mine:

Benevolent Architect

Wonderful, I know. This personality test really can speak a lot about you, directly to you. There may be very deep-rooted facets of your being that you may be oblivious to! I advise you to check it out.

In other news (which by the way, is a prepositional phrase which I use way too much), I sold some old 360 games to Vintage Stock today, got $48 in In-Store Credit, which I used to buy:

• The Ultimate Sega Genesis Collection
• Mirror's Edge
• Dynasty Warriors: Gundam

So far, I've only played the latter with Connor. Currently, Connor and Bryce are destroying on DW:G in my basement.

I have cheese and crackers, my left arm itches, and I'd like to brush my teeth.

I'm ready for this upcoming week of school to be over.

Is it over yet?

Truly,

David

College

That's about all that's on my mind. I'm in college. Doing schoolwork. Class class class, work work work, homework, sleep, repeat.

Occasionally I get to work in some Assassin's Creed or Call of Duty.

Class is still pretty mediocre. I'm only in my second semester, and I'm already completely sick of general education classes, or as they're labeled at Park, "Liberal Learning" classes. The only class I'm enjoying right now is my Microeconomics class. Well, I suppose I am enjoying my Spanish class, but it's an online class so I don't count it. It's like I'm doing all the work, and it's like it's of my own volition. So I don't really see that as a class.

I'm sick and tired of sitting in a classroom that I don't want to be in, hearing lectures that are supposed to make me a better, more "well-rounded" individual.

I came here to learn what I want to learn, but it seems like I just can't get there.

I just have to tough through all this shit, I suppose. I'm ready to be in my major-specific classes, like Microecon. I'm legitimately enjoying that class, because it's something I want to learn about.

In other news, the car is still nice. There are a couple of little tweaks my dad and I need to work on this weekend to get it running as smooth as possible. I sincerely enjoy driving it.

Work is still bleh. I feel like I had something to say, but now I can't remember it.

Conan O'Brien.

Enough said.

Let's make this weekend fun. Someone? Anyone? Okay. Good.

Truly,

David

Wishful Wednesday

So, it's time for another Wishful Wednesday. However, today I'm going to outline good things that have happened recently (call them wishes come true if you like) in lieu of things which I would like to have happen.

I got a new car yesterday. This is fantastical on two levels. One, I have transportation. It was painstakingly difficult to ask people to take me places. The only worse thing was asking people to pick me up. Two, it's the nicest car I've ever driven. Unfortunately I have no picture, but it's wonderful.

Another wonderful thing that happened (today, to be exact) was that I lowered my insurance from $192 to $185, whereas my insurance should have increased from $192 to $266. This increase would have been true had I stayed with Progressive. However, just for shits and giggles I decided to get a quote from Geico for my new Dodge Stratus. Turns out those commercials really are true. "Just fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or MORE on car insurance." I was on the phone for 13 minutes, and saved $81/month or $324, which is what you would have seen had my quote been on tv.

That would have been nice to see. David Cable saved $324 on his insurance plan by switching to Geico.

I feel kinda bad, because Progressive's customer service was fantastic. Seriously. They did everything they could to try to be competitive and lower my rate, but when they found out what Geico was offering, there was just no way.

So, Geico wins for now. If I ever need to contact their customer service for anything and I have complaints, you'll certainly hear about it.

In other news, it's still fucking cold.

They took my sun out of the forecast. 50 and sunny on Friday turned into 45 and rainy. a;lskgjoeihagoidhg

That last bit at the end was my frustration expressed through the art of keyboard smashing.

Tomorrow, there is a new episode of the Office. I'm super excited. I love this show. I hope @rainnwilson starts a fire or something again. Only time will tell.

Not this weekend, but next, (the 30/31 of January) I'm mounting an expedition to Columbia, MO to see my love. I really like Columbia; I think it's a really nice town. I wish I could have gone to school there. If I had gotten one more point on my ACT, I could have had the same full ride scholarship. But alas, I applied anyway, didn't even try to take the ACT, and now I have a silent Vietnamese roommate. But the world kinda works like that, doesn't it?

I don't want to get too deep into philosophical discussions before bed.

Truly,

David

I'm still waiting for my 15 minutes of fame. Maybe some time.