Ambiguity

I like to think that some day I'll get what I want. Maybe I need to focus on smaller hurdles. You know, maybe lowering standards can bring the same joy upon achievement.

I can't stop looking to the future, but I can't stand the days in between.

Some day I'll do something useful to other people. Something interesting. Something people want in on. Something people want to know about, or read about.

I'm not sure how directly these feelings correlate with how often I take things for granted. One moment, I feel that's the entire problem, and the next moment I feel it isn't a factor.

The things that I have never work the way I want them to. Physically and literally, as well as mentally and figuratively.

I suppose the only constant in my life is my love. Platonic and otherwise, I have great relationships. I can say without doubt that at times I take this for granted. These relationships, this love, these intangible yet invaluable things. They do make me happy. They make me grateful. They make me secure.

I don't know what it says about my personality that my selfish desires always fail. The things I want for myself never work properly, although it seems like the things that I want for those around me always function wonderfully, irrespective of whether or not I've acted in a manner to promote those things.

That was a run-on. I've gotten in the habit of not using the backspace bar except for typos, so as to more accurately pour out my thoughts. Allow me to rephrase.

When I have a goal in my mind, regardless of whether or not the end is a tangible object or an abstract achievement, the means always seem to go awry.

When my friends and loved ones have goals in mind, regardless of whether or not the end is a tangible object or an abstract achievement, the means seem to work in a way that is at least reparable. If (mind you, if) things go wrong on the path to achieving their goals, they seem to work out. Otherwise, the goals are within reach.

Sometimes I help to reach the goal, sometimes I help to repair the patchy spots along the way.

Once again, I don't know if my goals are flawed, or if I unknowingly lack the adequate means to achieve my goals.

Either way, I'm sick of not getting what I want, and I'm sick of not knowing why.

Truly,

David

P.S. This is not meant to be envious. I am the subject of this post.